hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
