1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
