When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
