Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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