if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
