It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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