question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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