Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
