I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
