i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
