The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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