My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
