how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
