I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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