Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
