Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize