they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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