I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
