He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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