That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
