she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
