His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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