You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my liver is dry heaving
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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