it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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