Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
