If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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