You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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