Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
