I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
