I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
