Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
