While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
