Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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