I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
