Umm I'm too high to move.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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