were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
