i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize