I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My balls are so social today.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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