the condom got lost in my hair
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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