alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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