Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
