theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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