Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
