How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize