And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
