I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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