I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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