New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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