just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Randomize
