If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize