So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
