I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
