Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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