I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
