Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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