He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
