You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
