instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
