lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
