Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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