I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
